Did I mention I got my Degree in Acting?

On the weekends, the managers make a big to-do of our shift meeting....remember The Nod?
On this particular night, one of the managers singled me out for a "WOW" comment written by one of my guests...
They said I was very enthusiastic and they could tell I REALLY loved my job.

Gulp.

My manager looks at me. "Lindsay, tell the group how you convey your enthusiasm to your guests to show them you love what you do."

Gulp.
Yes. I love my job so much. That's why I've been applying for other jobs the entire six months I've worked there. It's why I have to take deep breaths every time I leave a table because I'm afraid I might snap every single shift. Seriously? I'm an actress!


"Well, I really just love food and I'm enthusiastic when I talk about the menu with my guests. And I find that if I'm smiling and bubbly, they feed off my energy and find it hard to be mad at me!"

Our GM jumps in..."Haven't you guys noticed whenever you're talking to Lindsay you can't help but smile? That's why we hired her!"

Gulp.
I glanced over at Minnesota and she's dying of laughter. She knows I'm counting the hours until I leave for my three week vacation to Maui and Australia...that I'm SO over work right now and wishing I didn't have to come back!

ACTING!

Large Pizza, Extra Cheese, and Mushrooms

I walk up to Table 92...

Are you all ready to order?

"Yes. We'll have a large pizza, extra cheese, and mushrooms."

Umm. Yeah....we don't actually have pizza on our menu...
I mean, we have some appetizer flatbreads, but we don't have traditional pizza.

Oh. But it's baked in an oven with cheese, right? Not just bread?

Yeah..It's more like a thin, crispy pizza though. And we only have one size.

So, it's square?

Actually...it's a rectangle??

OH! Ok, we'll have that.

Maybe you should read the menu before ordering... I don't know. Just a thought.

I'm serious about meatballs.

First of all....

Happy 100th Post to Gratuity Not Included!

I can't believe that I've:
a) been serving again for 7 months
b) gained so many wonderful readers in that time!
Thank you for your dedication!

On to the topic of this glorious 100th post: Meatballs!

We have a special I've nicknamed, "The meat-lover's dish" when describing it to my guests. It's a fettucini bolognese with VEAL meatballs. You know how I feel about veal. See below...
Mmmm Baby Cow!

Anyway, I was having a particularly good night, schmoozing with my guests, selling a ton of specials, and having zero problems...when I got a table of two young guys. I helped them out with the menu and one ended up going for my "meat-lover's dish!" Throughout their meal, I had time to chat with them and joke about the dish. As they slowed down on eating, all that was left on the plate was ONE last veal meatball. I came over and asked, "Are you really not going to eat that?!?" The other guy chimed in and said he saved it for him...I turned and said,
"I'll arm wrestle you for it."
I even went so far as to put my elbow onto their table.
They both laughed, and I could see in his face....he thought about it.
Then, he came back and said...."Nawww I can't arm wrestle a girl!!"

I'm 100% convinced he was afraid to lose to a girl.
I totally could have taken him.

Don't let Grandpa tip!

You know I love making people feel special.
And I also love old people.

But, if you're out with your grandparents, and they're footing the bill....maybe you should double-check the tip.

I had a really nice table of two guys and their grandparents.
Grandma is vegan, so I went over the menu and helped her choose something she'd like. The guys were overwhelmingly thankful. They'd brought in a cake for one of the brothers' birthday. I made sure it was perfectly timed...you know, made it really special.

When I went to box up the rest of their cake, I decided I deserved a little piece for my hard work (they'd never notice) so I took the tiniest amount, and there was still a half a cake left. I brought it out, and had an "uh-oh" moment.
The grandkids are gone. 
Grandpa's treat. 

I wonder how they'd feel knowing Grandpa left me $11 on $93...that's an ALMOST 12% tip. Maybe that was a good tip back in his day...

I should have taken a bigger piece of cake.

Tow Truck

I know guests think they're SO funny when they say this, but guess what...
I hear it at least 3 times a night!

So how was everything folks? Can I get you anything else?

"Yeah. A tow truck to get us out of here!"

Ba-dum-ch.

"Mator D"
I can be funny, too.

Oh, I get it. It's funny because our portions are big.
And you ate a lot. That's a good one.

Happy Retirement?

I mean, I want to make your Retirement Party "special," but ummm...what do I write on your cookie plate?

Happy Retirement?


Congratulations?


Sorry, you got laid off?


Woooooooooooo!

Or, my personal fave:

I'm jealous.
Love,
Your Server

Gag.

This is bad.
I had an audible reaction to a table's gross table manners.

I'm serving a table of 5 and when their food comes, I notice the parmesan cheese container is missing a serving spoon, so I say to the table,
"Oh! Let me get you a spoon for the parmesan cheese"

I leave immediately, head straight for the spoons, and return within a minute only to find:

THIS GIRL IS USING HER FINGERS AND SPRINKLING THE CHEESE ON HER FOOD!
I'm talking, dipping her hand in the container that sits on the table all day, available to all who sit at that table!

I walked up, must have had a look of disgust and said, "Uhhhck. Um, here's the spoon."

Gag.

And, yes. I did change out the cheese after they left. Gross.

My eyes are up here.

Just when I thought I wore the least sexy uniform possible, I served 26 members of a high school boys' basketball team.

Hellooooooo, hormones!

We set up two tables of 13 in the restaurant during our slowest time of the afternoon, and fed this army of teenagers:
SIX large plates of fried mozzarella
SIX large plates of fried calamari
EIGHT large bowls of salad
FIVE large bowls of spaghetti and meatballs
FIVE large bowls of Rigatoni D
....and who knows how many pitchers of water I poured!

Me: "Hey guys, how are you??"

13 boys staring at my chest: "Good."

Me: "Who are you playing tonight??"

13 AWKWARD boys staring at my chest: "Why don't you guys wear name tags?"

Me: "We don't need to! I'm Lindsay!"

13 AWKWARD boys with raging hormones: "Hiiiiiii Lindsay!"

Hehehe. That was fun.

Oh hi, Finn. I love you.

Carry the 1...

This short little post is just because I find it absolutely ADORABLE when guests are adding the subtotal and tip, and they mark when they carry the 1 on the check....

You guys are just so cute. 

                                      1
Subtotal: $40.34
Tip:           $8.56


Total:      $48.90

Lindsay, California

#1 question when I tell guests my name: "Lindsay....like Lindsay Lohan?"

MY response: "Only a lot less crazy."

In a discussion with one of the best tables I've had in a while, I was informed of a city in California (where I live) called no other than LINDSAY, CALIFORNIA!

How can I not have known about this?? Mom?!? 

Anyway, the subject came up when the cutest little old lady told me she was going to order a drink she hadn't had in years: a gin and tonic. She also asked for an olive with it. Later she made a request for ONE more olive, as she enjoyed the first so much. What a cutie. I told her she could have as many olives as her heart desires, as I am rather partial to olives myself, being named Lindsay and loving Lindsay Olives...

At this moment is when the gentlemen at the table informed me of Lindsay, CA, which is where the olives come from and also home to:

The World's Largest Olive!

Next time someone makes the Lindsay Lohan association, I'm going to correct them and say,

"No. Like Lindsay, California...home of the World's Largest Olive!"

Rose is 82.

Oh yes. 

February 11th was Rose's birthday, and you can BET she was at Bloggiano's.
(I can't believe I hadn't written about this yet!)

She had very specific requests demands:

-Balloons and flowers at her table for her and her friend 

-Her "special" minestrone soup ready when she got there

-To not pay for her coffee

Laila is a saint, because she actually paid out of her own pocket to make it extra special for her. When Rose arrived, she was overwhelmed with the amount of visitors and "Happy Birthday's" she received from the employees.

She kept saying how much we must really like her, and how she felt so special. See, sometimes Rose can be a little sweetheart. Even our General Manager went over to talk to Rose, and when she left the table she came up to me saying...
"I didn't realize Rose knows you as the 'little Jew girl'" 

Hey, whatever works! 

At the end of the meal, I brought Rose a specially made fruit plate with candles and EVERYONE sang! Homer got in real close and sang right into Rose's ear. That's probably the closest proximity she's ever been to a black man. I'm just saying, she was smiling ear to ear.

This little Jew girl got the biggest tip Rose has EVER given to a Bloggiano's employee: $5
...That may or may not have been because her entire meal was comped.

Awkward Prom 2011

We just had our holiday party at Bloggiano's. Yes, a holiday party in February.

I have managed to work EVERY SINGLE holiday. And to put the icing on my zuccotto cake, I also got scheduled to work the night of the holiday party. Oh, AND the morning after. I win at life.

Here are the Top Ten reasons why our holiday party was so very awkward:

10) It's prom-themed. Didn't we all do that about 10 years ago??

9) It's AT Bloggiano's. With NO booze. By the time I got ready and back there for the party, I was about 10 shots too sober to be there. Everyone had gone out to drink prior.

8) Homer wore his James Brown wig. Every time I saw him come towards me to ask for a dance, I magically heard my name being called from across the room. 

7) The one guy who "didn't take it seriously" and showed up looking like a 'Where's Waldo' hipster edition.

6) The cheesy DJ, who wouldn't play any song we requested. And was about 5 feet tall. I mean, really. We're  having the party AT the restaurant, with no alcohol. We can't afford a good DJ??

5) Our manager dressing up as the High School football coach, running around blowing a whistle at people dancing too close together.

4) The "Prom King" being too wasted to know he won.

3) The fact that the majority of employees in attendance were the Mexican kitchen staff, whose eyes I felt undressing me every time I stepped on the dance floor. They literally stood silently on the perimeter, watching.

2) The girls who decided to be funny and wear 80's prom outfits.

1) After 1.5 hours being there (sober, remember) the party ended. And I went home. Only to be back at work in 9 hours. Why did I bother going??

I guess it made for good writing material, at least.

Thank you, http://awkwardpromcouples.blogspot.com

Cougar Town

Lately, I've been noticing our restaurant is a prime location for Cougars.
In case you've been living under a rock, I'm not talking about this kind of cougar:

I'm talking Stifler's mom from American Pie...

..Or Demi Moore marrying Ashton Kutcher, 15 years younger than her!

I'm used to the idea of men trading in women for younger models, but at Bloggiano's, it appears the women are the ones out on the prowl, so to speak. Just the other day, I waited on one table where the cougar even asked about an employee who was recently fired. He was notorious for hitting on the cougars that came in.

I felt nauseous serving my most recent cougar with her boy toy. They reminded me of that teacher-student couple so famously captured in Lifetime movies these days. She didn't take her hands off of him for even a moment. She even ordered for him, and told me what kind of things she knows he "likes." Ew.

"He'll have the baked ziti, but go easy on the ricotta because he doesn't like ricotta. You'd like the baked ziti, right baby?" 

Barf.

For dessert, she ordered the profiteroles, which are pastry puffs with ice cream in the middle.

"But can you put the hot fudge on the side. You don't like hot fudge, huh baby?"

Gag.

Once they came out, she asked me for some caramel sauce because he "LOVES" caramel sauce. I had to watch as she basically fed him and made groaning noises of satisfaction.

Sick.

I guess a lot of men in Los Angeles have an Oedipus Complex.

My BFF: The Clorox Bleach Pen

I can't seem to make it through even the slowest of shifts without spilling on myself. Why, oh why do we wear white oxford shirts?? And of course, it is a big no-no to roll up your sleeves a bit. 

So, I've entered into a loving relationship with the Clorox Bleach Pen.

It may sound like a simple pleasure, but I am so thankful for this invention. After a shift, I go home and spot treat the balsamic oil that dripped up my sleeve, the marinara sauce that's somehow ended up on my back, and the oil stains that have accumulated on my stomach. 

It's become my favorite tool of the trade!

But, seriously...how did I get wine here?!?

(Shout out to my nephew, who is the adorable face pictured above, covered in ravioli and marinara sauce! )

LOL Awards

I started this blog in October as a means to keep myself sane while re-entering the restaurant world VERY reluctantly (Thank you, American economy). I never imagined it would grow as it has.... I honestly believed only a handful of people would read it. (Hi Mom.)

Three months have flown by, and I'm now part of this amazing blogger community, and getting recognized! It seems I've been nominated for an LOL Award by THREE different bloggers! While it may be a chain letter kind of thing, I'm honored and and happy to keep others laughing!

Now, I'll pass it along and follow the rules:

Rule #1: Link to the person who gave you this award (in a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this):


Thank you The Restaurant Manager, Your Friendly Neighborhood Barista, and F*ck My Table!! 


Rule #2: Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them (by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc.):


1) F*ck My Table (I'm obsessed with your blog!)
2) Hooters According to Sauce
3) The Restaurant Manager
4) The Only-Slightly-Cranky Waitress
5) Your Friendly Neighborhood Barista
6) The Lexingtonienne
7) The Educated Server

Rule #3: Say seven things about yourself that no one knows (or at least you think no one knows). 


1) Macaroni & Cheese is still one of my favorite meals (and I'm 26)
2) I love to throw away trash/give away old stuff
3) I want to open my own restaurant one day
4) I am a nomad
5) I'm scared of ladders
6) When I was younger, I was CONVINCED I discovered Destiny's Child
7) I have 11 toes. HAHA jk ;)


Rule #4: Pass on the rules


Done.

Mormon Pink Sauce

Obviously I am sitting here looking at that title, giggling like a 12 year old. 

The best part about is it's a direct quote from my table of Mormons last night.

My party of 10 sits down, very friendly, and I go to get drink orders. Waters all around, and 2 Diet Cokes. Awesome. Thank goodness they are doing Family Style. Bloggiano's should be proud of how "special" I made them feel, while stuffing my pockets with their Mormon cash. They couldn't decide on only two appetizers, so I told them they could get three appetizers and one salad instead. 

Hallelujah! 

When they STILL couldn't decide on only three, I suggested they order an additional onion strings for the teenagers. 

Hallelujah! 

When they asked me about the vodka in the gnocchi's pink sauce, they informed me that they were all Mormon and couldn't have alcohol. Ohhhh now I get why there's no wine on the table! I kindly told them we are a scratch kitchen and can make the sauce without vodka.

"Tell the chef we need Mormon pink sauce!" -says the father of the table whose birthday they are celebrating.

Hallelujah!

Even with their millions of questions, I was feeling especially friendly and they loved me. This is a new thing for me since I dated a Mormon once and his mother hated me for being Jewish. "Aren't you nervous about going to hell when you die?" Yep, that happened. 

Anyway, dessert time rolls around and we have another alcohol issue. They definitely want cheesecake, but also want chocolate. Unfortunately, most of our chocolate desserts have liqueur, so that's not an option. I suggest my glorious Apple Crostada, and they go for it! I bring out two plates with "Happy Birthday" written in chocolate and they are totally wow'd. And when someone asks what's in Spumoni and I tell them how delicious ours is, they get an extra order!

Hallelujah!

Their bill got to $314 without any drinks, alcohol, or coffee....and I was pretty pleased! And to make it even better, they added any extra $20 for tip beyond the 18% included! 

Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Halleeeeelujah!!!

Cartwheels

Typically I hate closing lunch shifts for one reason: 4:50pm.

Why?

Well, the dinner servers come in at 3:30pm, but they don't start taking tables until 5:00pm. They take a break from 4:30-5:00pm. But EVERY day, we get a rush of early birds at 4:50pm. And the two lunch closers are stuck running around with no bussers, trying to start every single table....which we then transfer at 5:00pm when the dinner shift can come onto the floor. 

It's a nightmare. 

Sometimes there's even the extra fun of being out of bread because someone's on a break, which is exciting. 

However, the last two days have been conveniently slow from 4:30-5:00pm. Yesterday there wasn't a single table in the restaurant. I went around the dimly lit room and lit each of the table candles with a long, single candle. It looked so creepy. 

Then I went into the backroom to tell the dinner servers that, "If [they] ever wanted to do a cartwheel through the middle of the dining room without any guests seeing, this was the time!"

We decided to do a conga line. It was my manager's idea :)

I love being home by 5:30pm!

Did you buy your tickets?

One of the comments I get the most as a server at Bloggiano's is about our plates. Most of the serving plates are very heavy, seeing as our portions are very large, especially for Family Style. We're also big on table maintenance, so there's a LOT of plate clearing for each table.

At least a few times a day I get hesitant guests asking,

"Are you SURE you can carry that?"
or
"Wow...I can't believe you guys carry all of that!"
or
"You must have to work out a lot to have this job!"

People, if I am holding too many plates....I won't reach for more. I know my own strength, but thanks for checking on me. I may be small, but I'm a lot stronger than I look!

Here is my cheesy stock answer to the guests:
"You have no idea! (fake laugh) I don't even need a gym membership while working here! This is my work out! (fake laugh)"

Homer's Holiday Cards

I hid them.

Well serves him right! He walked up to me and asked, "Did I give you a holiday card yet?" 

No, but if you don't remember if you gave it to me...does it really mean anything?

"Do you want a kitty or the other thing?"

Umm...kitty?

And then he proceeded to sign it and put my name on the envelope...in front of me.

A couple days later, I saw the pack of cards laying out and decided to have a little a LOT of fun. I hid them in on a shelf in the back room. Homer ran around the restaurant for 30 minutes asking everyone if they'd seen his holiday cards. I was feeling very sneaky and laughing to myself, until I realized I ended up punishing the rest of the staff since we had to listen to him talk about it for 30 minutes.

After that thought, I made them reappear without him ever knowing it was me. 

Happy Holidays, Homer!

I don't care if you're Italian. Part Due

Remember this post?

Well, this picture explains my point perfectly. One of my guests asked for a pen to sign-up for our email listserv...

Very clever, Mr. Corleone.

I've always been more of a "Goodfellas" fan...