If you're not sure what that is...

...maybe you should just ask.

I don't get it. If you have a food aversion or allergy, shouldn't YOU be the one to double check the description of the menu item you're thinking of ordering?

The biggest culprit comes from our house salads, which have "prosciutto" listed as one of the ingredients. If you don't eat meat, or pork, and you aren't sure what "prosciutto" is....just ASK me. 
I promise I won't make fun of you.
In fact, I'm more likely to talk shit about you in the kitchen after I bring out the salad and you give me the "ew" face, telling me you thought maybe "prosciutto" was a kind of cheese.

Let me be clear. I don't eat pork. So I understand having to remove items. And that's why I totally understand a guest who asks me if our meat sauce, meatballs, or sausage are made with pork products...because I do it, too.

Another one of my favorite "we didn't know" is our dish called Chicken Saltimbocca. In the description, it says there is a layer of "prosciutto" on top of the chicken along with provolone. I can't tell you how many I've had to send back when the table cuts into the chicken and sees a bacon-like strip under the cheese.

"Well we didn't really read the description in the menu..."

No shit.

This little piggy is Italian.

Not Lost in Translation

We get a lot of Israeli guests at Bloggiano's. And despite their stereotype for low tipping and being on the rude side, I always get a little excited to hear them speak Hebrew to each other.

Imagine my surprise when one of my four tables on Easter Sunday was a party of 8 Israelis. Throughout their time at my table, I heard them discussing the menu for their Family Style order in Hebrew and was tempted to wish them a Happy Passover, but didn't want to overstep my boundaries.

When it came time to box up the food, I heard the two mothers say they wanted to split it chetzi v' chetzi, and without thinking, I jumped into the conversation and told them I could split the food for them.

One of the fathers gave me a smile. "You understand us, don't you?"

Oops. Yes! Sorry for interrupting. I understand some Hebrew from living in Tel Aviv for awhile. 

Apparently one of the mothers had thought she saw me understanding them from the start, but they all laughed. In the end, I was able to wish them a Happy Passover like I wanted....and for the record, they left me 18% without me adding the gratuity.

Large Pizza, Extra Cheese, and Mushrooms

I walk up to Table 92...

Are you all ready to order?

"Yes. We'll have a large pizza, extra cheese, and mushrooms."

Umm. Yeah....we don't actually have pizza on our menu...
I mean, we have some appetizer flatbreads, but we don't have traditional pizza.

Oh. But it's baked in an oven with cheese, right? Not just bread?

Yeah..It's more like a thin, crispy pizza though. And we only have one size.

So, it's square?

Actually...it's a rectangle??

OH! Ok, we'll have that.

Maybe you should read the menu before ordering... I don't know. Just a thought.

A lesson on Broccolini

Imagine the grandma who drinks a champagne split to her face while waiting for her teenage grandkids to meet her for lunch.

I'll tell you this much: She's never had broccolini before.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present:

The Broccolini

I like to describe it to my guests as the lovechild of broccoli and asparagus.

This lady ordered it, despite her grandson suggesting she get asparagus instead. I do my checkback, only to find her pushing it around on the plate.
"Do you like the broccolini?"


"Well...I didn't realized it would be so....long-stemmed."


"Oh. That's pretty much the main difference between broccoli and broccolini."


"It kinda looks like a weed."


"....May I get you something else instead?"


"I'll take the asparagus."

You're right, lady. I'm sure you'll love the asparagus....the vegetable that is almost 100% stem!


Broccolini is a green vegetable similar to broccoli but with smaller florets and longer, thin stalks. Although often misidentified as young broccoli, it is a cross between broccoli and kai-lan, Chinese broccoli. A natural hybrid of the cabbage family Brassica oleracea italica x alboglabra, it was developed by the Sakata Seed Company of Yokohama, Japan with the name Chinese kale or gai lan. Broccolini's flavor is sweet, with notes of both broccoli and asparagus. -Thank you Wikipedia

I'M broccoli. Nice to meet you.

I'm serious about meatballs.

First of all....

Happy 100th Post to Gratuity Not Included!

I can't believe that I've:
a) been serving again for 7 months
b) gained so many wonderful readers in that time!
Thank you for your dedication!

On to the topic of this glorious 100th post: Meatballs!

We have a special I've nicknamed, "The meat-lover's dish" when describing it to my guests. It's a fettucini bolognese with VEAL meatballs. You know how I feel about veal. See below...
Mmmm Baby Cow!

Anyway, I was having a particularly good night, schmoozing with my guests, selling a ton of specials, and having zero problems...when I got a table of two young guys. I helped them out with the menu and one ended up going for my "meat-lover's dish!" Throughout their meal, I had time to chat with them and joke about the dish. As they slowed down on eating, all that was left on the plate was ONE last veal meatball. I came over and asked, "Are you really not going to eat that?!?" The other guy chimed in and said he saved it for him...I turned and said,
"I'll arm wrestle you for it."
I even went so far as to put my elbow onto their table.
They both laughed, and I could see in his face....he thought about it.
Then, he came back and said...."Nawww I can't arm wrestle a girl!!"

I'm 100% convinced he was afraid to lose to a girl.
I totally could have taken him.

Don't let Grandpa tip!

You know I love making people feel special.
And I also love old people.

But, if you're out with your grandparents, and they're footing the bill....maybe you should double-check the tip.

I had a really nice table of two guys and their grandparents.
Grandma is vegan, so I went over the menu and helped her choose something she'd like. The guys were overwhelmingly thankful. They'd brought in a cake for one of the brothers' birthday. I made sure it was perfectly timed...you know, made it really special.

When I went to box up the rest of their cake, I decided I deserved a little piece for my hard work (they'd never notice) so I took the tiniest amount, and there was still a half a cake left. I brought it out, and had an "uh-oh" moment.
The grandkids are gone. 
Grandpa's treat. 

I wonder how they'd feel knowing Grandpa left me $11 on $93...that's an ALMOST 12% tip. Maybe that was a good tip back in his day...

I should have taken a bigger piece of cake.

Gender Bender

I am so embarrassed.

It was a busy Friday night, and Minnesota and I were sharing a section. We got double-sat so we decided who would take which table and headed over for the greet. I get to Table 20; it's a two-top.

I start pouring the oil and vinegar while they have their heads down at the menu.


"Hello, Gentlemen..............and LADY."

Oh shit.

Her head was down! She had a short Bieber-ish haircut and wore a blazer! I didn't even realize...
It's a girl!

They're a couple.
Eff me. 
She was too busy looking at the menu to notice, but the guy laughed. I quickly walked away after finishing the pour.

Minnesota, we need to switch tables.

Tow Truck

I know guests think they're SO funny when they say this, but guess what...
I hear it at least 3 times a night!

So how was everything folks? Can I get you anything else?

"Yeah. A tow truck to get us out of here!"

Ba-dum-ch.

"Mator D"
I can be funny, too.

Oh, I get it. It's funny because our portions are big.
And you ate a lot. That's a good one.

Damned if I do...

...damned if I don't.

I took a party of 15 for lunch. Technically, I shared it with another server, but we both got pretty busy...putting most of the weight on me. 10 of the 15 show up on time, but the host isn't there yet.

Hmm. Well, they have a set Family Style menu. Should I start the first course??

If I start it, she'll arrive, see the food, and say we didn't confirm the menu with her.

So I decide to wait. Let them eat bread and start on their drinks.

Then she arrives (15 minutes late) and freaks out:

"Where is the food??"

Great. I was probably going to lose no matter what I'd done. 

Needless to say, we got off on the wrong foot, and she was on top of me the rest of the time.

Still left me 18%. Thank goodness.

Excuse me! My coffee!!

Apparently I have magical powers I'm unaware of. But my guests sure do believe in them!

The woman at Table 10 orders a decaf coffee while sharing her salad with her husband. I leave the table and go to take the order at Table 11 right after. Yes, Table 10 is directly next to Table 11. In fact, they are booths, so they are connected to each other. I'm at Table 10 for maybe a couple minutes, then start heading back towards the server alley to get Table 10's coffee.

As I'm walking past, the woman grabs my arm and says,
"Excuuuuuuse me! My COFFEE?!?"

Are you freaking kidding me, lady?? How the hell was I supposed to magically get your stupid decaf coffee when you clearly saw me at the table RIGHT next to you?!? Do I have a clone that's supposed to go get it? Can I magically make it appear? Do I have Stretch Armstrong arms that grab the coffee while I'm at my other table? And is this really a decaf coffee emergency? Wait your turn!!!Oh! And NEVER touch me again!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Yes, I was actually just at the table over helping another guest, and now I'm going to get your coffee.
Fake smile. Walk away.

It took all of my strength not to make it a regular coffee....just for fun.

Oh, and that's not all.
Later, I brought the pot over to refill her coffee, and she asked me,
"Is this the same good coffee, or the other stuff?"

It's the other stuff. Just drink it. And leave. Thank you! Have a great day!

Gag.

This is bad.
I had an audible reaction to a table's gross table manners.

I'm serving a table of 5 and when their food comes, I notice the parmesan cheese container is missing a serving spoon, so I say to the table,
"Oh! Let me get you a spoon for the parmesan cheese"

I leave immediately, head straight for the spoons, and return within a minute only to find:

THIS GIRL IS USING HER FINGERS AND SPRINKLING THE CHEESE ON HER FOOD!
I'm talking, dipping her hand in the container that sits on the table all day, available to all who sit at that table!

I walked up, must have had a look of disgust and said, "Uhhhck. Um, here's the spoon."

Gag.

And, yes. I did change out the cheese after they left. Gross.

Rose doesn't want me to convert.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Work has really been getting at me this week...so it's about time I vent!

But first, a little story about everyone's favorite regular!

One of our lunch servers got a big boy job, and is moving into another servant serving position: Production Assistant. Rose, who has always thought he looked like a "nice, Jewish boy" (he's actually Catholic) was pretty sad to hear it was his last day...

"Who am I gunna bother now?"
The rest of us will still be here for you, Rose!
"I don't wanna bother you. I wanna bother him!"
Rose, you know he's been trying to get me to convert to Catholicism for him??
"WHAT?!? NO! YOU'RE JEWISH!"

Guess she won't miss him THAT much :)

Code 45

You win, sir. 

For the oddest and most annoying response to,
Do you have any questions about the menu I can help you with?

"I'll have the Coupon 45."

Excuse me, what?!?
"You know, that pasta where you buy one and take one home."

Ugh. That beats the server who just tells guests it's on the, "second page, bottom left" before they have a chance to ask.

From here on out, I will refer to tables who are guaranteed to order the two for one pasta deal as:

CODE 45
We got a code 45 over on table 15...Yeah, that sounds perfect.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

SUPER MOON!

On Saturday, March 19, I managed to get myself scheduled for the worst of all the worst full moons:

THE SUPER MOON!

http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/4425664-418/story.html

That's right, the largest and brightest full moon in 18 years! 

C'mon, Lindsay! You're supposed to schedule yourself OFF on days like this!

The restaurant was as chaotic as ever, servers running all over for insane demanding guests possessed by the full moon. The server alley was impossible to get through, the water and ice were never stocked, even the usually cheerful coffee lady was "TOO BUSY" to help anyone, and proclaimed the chilled plates were hers only when servers wanted to use them for dessert plates.

Luckily for me, I was just freakishly busy...I didn't have any crazies.
But a few of my friends did...

• Like the party of 16 whose Family Style First Course came out, and they yelled at the server because half the group couldn't eat dairy...yet they chose their items. When the server re-did the order and tried to confirm it with the group, their host yelled at him again and said, "I don't care. Bring me my food. I'm hungry!" 
• Or the guy who yelled at my friend for not garnishing his bloody mary with celery. Get over it, Mister. We use an olive and lime. Drink it, and like it. When she got it more dressed up for him, he still complained and pulled anyone who'd listen over to the table. The other guest lowered their eyes in embarrassment, but none of them seemed to complain about the managers comping their $200 dinner.
• How about when the same party of 16 got drunk and started fighting with EACH OTHER in the middle of the dining room around 10:30?!?

I just put in a request NOT to work on April 18th. 

"You could buy yourself a new car!"

14 insurance salesman from Kansas City.
2 female servers.
It's on.

I see nothing wrong with using feminine powers to get a better tip.
"Hello gentlemen! My name is Lindsay, and this is Minnesota....and we'll take great care of you tonight! Now, what are we drinkin'?"

Serious amounts of flirtatious laughter and batting eyelashes later, we'd gotten their bill up to about $550 when one of the salesman informs me they need individual checks.
FML.
Since we were kinda slow that night, my manager ok'd it, especially since I worked it out that I couldn't split their alcohol by who drank what...we'd just split the total by 14 and add gratuity.

14 credit cards later, they were all paid out (and no one else could find a check presenter) and we were thanking them for coming in!

"You could buy yourself a new car with that tip!" 
Sorry Mr. Insurance Man, but $91 doesn't go that far when you split it amongst SIX people.
Thanks for making my week night a bit more interesting, though!

It's like buttah

I get it. 

You're hungry. 

You want bread.

But when I am pouring the oil & vinegar onto your plate (our signature), and TRYING to make it though:

"Hi, I'm Lindsay, and I'll be taking care of you tonight..." and you interrupt me with:

WE NEED BUTTER.

DO YOU HAVE BUTTER

or just

BUTTER.

I'm not okay with that.

For the record, I'm a human, not an automated voice recording that you can say your request to without listening to the whole message.

Old people, I'm talking to you especially!!! 

I'd still chase them down.

Well, I got another slap on the wrist at work....this time by a different manager. 

I had the misfortune pleasure of serving two families dining together with their 5 kids, which is usually fine...unless they want to split the kids off on their own table.

"Sure! It's no trouble at all!"

Actually, the turned out pretty cool. The dads were getting shwastey faced, and the kids ordered filet mignon. I'm okay with that. I think I wrangled the kids pretty well, while also pleasing their parents and giving them the "dining without the kids" experience they were looking for. At the end, their bill was a little over $200. Because there were more than 8 guests, I added the suggested gratuity on the check. But I was so busy that when the two dads split the bill, I forgot to mention that the gratuity doesn't get included when you split the payment. 

As soon as they got up, I grabbed the checks to see what they left. It was all scratched out and they left $0 for a tip. SHIT, they thought it was included! I caught them at the front door, though and told them I hadn't included it. They were so thankful I stopped them....said I was great, and they didn't mean to stiff me like that. 

With a sigh of relief, I started walking back into the dining room with their added $44 tip, and my manager stopped me:

"That's a big no-no. If you don't fix problems in the dining room, it's over."

I totally understand where he's coming from, but ya know what...

I'd still chase them down. That was $44!!!

Let me repeat that for you...

I'm gonna be honest. I don't repeat back orders.
I probably should, but I just don't.
...that is, unless the order has all kinds of crazy modifications and substitutions. In that situation, I'll repeat it back twice even. I don't want them arguing with me later about what EXACTLY they ordered. Obviously I care about them getting what they want. Ya, that's it. I care. I'm sticking to that. 

The Picky Woman and her A-hole husband came in to dine with another couple. Submissive Woman and HER D-bag husband were just as lovely to serve.
Picky Woman orders: "A spinach salad, dressing on the side, no bacon. Is your salmon grilled?"

Yes, it's grillled and served on a bed of spinach.

"Ok then I'll have that."

Ok so you'd like a side spinach salad to start, with no bacon and dressing on the side? And then the grilled salmon?

"Yes."

D-bag husband orders: "I'll have the calamari, but I don't want it fried. I've had it here before, and they grilled it for me."

Ok, so you want the appetizer calamari as your meal? With the side of marinara?

"No I want the entrée. I want it for my meal!!!"

Well, we don't have a calamari entrée. So it will be the appetizer size.

"I want it as my meal."

Ok.

So I bring out the spinach salad out with A-hole husband's soup, and Picky Woman flips out.
"I'm supposed to have a full size salad! And with salmon!!"
Oh, I thought you said you wanted the salmon as your meal. I'm so sorry.

The entrées go out, and I already know D-bag is going to flip. The calamari doesn't look as big when it's not covered in batter... Sure enough, he yells at me.
"What is this??? There's nothing on here!"

Well sir, that's the appetizer.

"I wanted an entree!! This is nothing!"

Let me get the chef, sir. He can better help you.

Hottie Chef #2 comes out and the D-bag YELLS at him in front of the entire restaurant about the portion size. We end up making him THREE portions on the plate to satisfy him, and charging for two. He's still bitching, so my manager comps one of the two portions and tells me to make SURE he knows we did it for him, but won't again.

When I drop the check, I explain it to him that next time he comes in, he should order two portions so there won't be any issue. A-hole looks at me and says, it STILL wasn't very much.
My jaw drops.
"JUST KIDDING!"

Ugh. People suck. They left me 10% off the new total. Shocker.

My eyes are up here.

Just when I thought I wore the least sexy uniform possible, I served 26 members of a high school boys' basketball team.

Hellooooooo, hormones!

We set up two tables of 13 in the restaurant during our slowest time of the afternoon, and fed this army of teenagers:
SIX large plates of fried mozzarella
SIX large plates of fried calamari
EIGHT large bowls of salad
FIVE large bowls of spaghetti and meatballs
FIVE large bowls of Rigatoni D
....and who knows how many pitchers of water I poured!

Me: "Hey guys, how are you??"

13 boys staring at my chest: "Good."

Me: "Who are you playing tonight??"

13 AWKWARD boys staring at my chest: "Why don't you guys wear name tags?"

Me: "We don't need to! I'm Lindsay!"

13 AWKWARD boys with raging hormones: "Hiiiiiii Lindsay!"

Hehehe. That was fun.

Oh hi, Finn. I love you.

Carry the 1...

This short little post is just because I find it absolutely ADORABLE when guests are adding the subtotal and tip, and they mark when they carry the 1 on the check....

You guys are just so cute. 

                                      1
Subtotal: $40.34
Tip:           $8.56


Total:      $48.90