Damned if I do...

...damned if I don't.

I took a party of 15 for lunch. Technically, I shared it with another server, but we both got pretty busy...putting most of the weight on me. 10 of the 15 show up on time, but the host isn't there yet.

Hmm. Well, they have a set Family Style menu. Should I start the first course??

If I start it, she'll arrive, see the food, and say we didn't confirm the menu with her.

So I decide to wait. Let them eat bread and start on their drinks.

Then she arrives (15 minutes late) and freaks out:

"Where is the food??"

Great. I was probably going to lose no matter what I'd done. 

Needless to say, we got off on the wrong foot, and she was on top of me the rest of the time.

Still left me 18%. Thank goodness.

Don't get fussy with me, Rose!

On a lunch shift, we usually have 2 servers on the floor right away at 11am when we open. The other few must take their break from 11:30-12 so they can't take tables when they first arrive at the restaurant.

This particular day, Rose came in right away at 11...but the section where HER table is (Table 2, btw) didn't have a server yet. The dumb hostess started to tell Rose she couldn't sit at that table because there is no server to take care of her...

Uh oh...

Rose LOST it. She screamed at the hostess and told her she would sit wherever she wants because SHE is the boss.

I came out just as all of this happened, and told the hostess not to worry....we would take care of Rose no matter whose section she sat in. The only bad part is, I had to deal with the aftermath:

"Can you believe that girl tried to tell me I can't sit at my table? Who does she think she is?"

Rose, it's ok. She didn't know. She doesn't normally work lunch.

"Whattaya mean she didn't know? How could she not know who I am?"

Oy.

Then, she started to get snippy with me, saying I must be "too busy" to take care of her. But since I feel comfortable putting her in her place, I had none of her sass.
Don't get fussy with me, Rose! I'm not the one you're mad at!


Needless to say, Rose told EVERYONE that walked past her about what happened.

You guard the door!

Ever since my first walk-out with these assholes:
I Remember What You Look Like!!!

I'm always hesitant when I sense a weird table that might not pay, pull a "hair in the cake" maneuver, or yell at me over nothing to get a free meal.

As soon as I walked past this table at 3:30pm, I knew I was in for trouble. Crazy Lady #1 looked homeless, which is fine with me as long as she can pay for her meal, "Derek" the guy in the middle was mentally challenged, which is also fine, but "Linda," who was in charge of the group freaked me out the most. She started our interaction making it clear that Jesus Loves Me, and proceeded to say my name repeatedly..."It's so beautiful!"

I got the OK for them to do light Family Style, even with only 3 guests. But I was already nervous.

My heart jumped a bit when Crazy told me she was going to the bathroom, but put her napkin over her food and told me not to take it away while she was gone. ...kinda sad, right?

I started to sweat when Derek threw a mini tantrum, and Linda fled the scene on her phone. Umm....Linda??

Then Derek went to the restroom.

OMG they're going to leaveeee! And I'm going to get in trouble!
Linda was gone for about 15 minutes when Crazy started to cry at the table because she had an eyelash in her eye.

Omg. Omg. Omg.... Where's Linda?!?

I run to our Maitre D, who was with me on my first instincts about the table. We get the Asst. Manager who tells us to "guard the door" to make sure they aren't going anywhere without paying.

Ok, now I'm panicking.

After 25 minutes, Linda returns, asking for the bill quickly. I'm not gonna lie, I was wondering if the credit card would go through.

But it did. And she actually left me a huge tip.

My nervous breakdown may not have been worth the $20.

Noooo I left my cake behind!

My first table was a six-top. It's Lisa's birthday. Her mom is clearly in charge of the celebration.

Right away I knew they were big spenders, since Lisa's mom took it upon herself to tell the whole table about the Today & Tomorrow pasta deal: Buy one of our classic pastas today, and you get to take home another of your choice for free. Did I mention the deal is only $12.95? Argh. 

Six Today & Tomorrow's later with a lot of patience and smiling on my part, Lisa's mom and her guests were LOVING me. I even took special care to separate everyone's boxes by couple without them asking and took extra care of her elderly parents. At the end I was told they had a cake in the back. Oh, what? You mean the big spenders aren't going to BUY dessert?? What a surprise. 

Anyway, I brought it out, and they were thrilled. Lisa's mom even told me she'd save a slice of the chocolate cake for me if I wanted it! Finally someone gets it, @FuckMyTable! (You guys should really check out her blog. It's hilarious.)

As Lisa's mom left, I accidentally walked past as she told the hostess to tell the manager that "Lindsay is a wonderful server and we loved her." Score. I even saw the hostess go over to tell the manager later...

Only two problems with this story:

1) I just realized I left my cake in the mini fridge in the server alley. No way will it still be there tomorrow. Servers are like vultures when it comes to unattended cake.
2) The manager never came to tell me they said that about me. Way to support your staff's awesomeness, Bloggiano's.

Your table is ready

Welcome to "Gratutity Not Included!" My name is Lindsay, and I'll be your server for this blog. Would you like to hear about today's specials?

I hate to admit it but, I love the restaurant life! I'm not a morning person, so a shift starting no earlier than 11am suits me. I have quite a bit of experience first working at a well known family style Italian restaurant whose name rhymes with... Bloggiano's. Hired as a hostess simply for having a personality boobs that appealed to my manager, I quickly became the girl who was always getting yelled at by every guest. No no...I was a GREAT hostess, but Bloggiano's likes to overbook their reservations, and no one likes to be told they'll be sat at around 7:45pm for their 7:00pm reservation.

After fleeing the corporate restaurant world, I joined the "Crazy Ones," as the owner called us, at a small family-owned Italian Kitchen in Orange County known for its over-the-top friendliness, making every guest feel right at home. Sounds cheesy, right? Like extra mozzarella on my baked ziti cheesy...but it's remarkably comforting. With around 15 employees, it is truly a family...though a dysfunctional one, and I will always remember my time there.

So what's up with this blog? Well, I am officially putting my non-slip shoes back on to re-enter the world of a server. It's not exactly where I thought I'd be at nearly 26 years old, but hey... I get to blame the economy, right?

While restaurant folks tend to bitch and complain about bad tips, bad schedules, and permanently smelling like garlic (maybe that's just me), I prefer to see the pure comedy in all of it. The restaurant life is crazy, but at least it's full of good stories!

Bon Apetit!