The nod.

Is this a waitor? Or the Godfather?...The Nodfather!

God bless our managers. They are trying SO hard to make shift meetings interesting for us...

And yet, the topic last night was a selling technique we will call, "The Nod."
We sat around discussing how if you nod to your guests as you're describing a particular dish, they're more likely to bite. Apparently, this is real selling technique, but I couldn't help but laugh as I looked around the room and 15 servers and 3 managers were all "practicing" THE NOD!
We looked like a room full of bobbleheads.

To make it even more comical, the managers had us go around the room and individually practice selling our favorite item using the nod technique. Sooo creepy. 

But for the record, I was voted into the Top 3 to win free dinner for our nodding skills! YES! 

Tow Truck

I know guests think they're SO funny when they say this, but guess what...
I hear it at least 3 times a night!

So how was everything folks? Can I get you anything else?

"Yeah. A tow truck to get us out of here!"

Ba-dum-ch.

"Mator D"
I can be funny, too.

Oh, I get it. It's funny because our portions are big.
And you ate a lot. That's a good one.

Happy Retirement?

I mean, I want to make your Retirement Party "special," but ummm...what do I write on your cookie plate?

Happy Retirement?


Congratulations?


Sorry, you got laid off?


Woooooooooooo!

Or, my personal fave:

I'm jealous.
Love,
Your Server

Black Shirt

You already know how I feel about our de-womanizing (yes, that's what I'm going to call it) uniforms.

As a cocktail server, we have a slightly different uniform...the shirt is black. Exactly the same....just black.
A few of the guys told me they think it looks a little bit better for the girls, but I have my doubts. Well, that is not the point of this entry.

This entry is about the hell I went through trying to find a plain, black button down shirt. Doesn't sound like it would be that difficult, but I almost gave up!

First, I tried Target:
1st location: 2 XL men's shirts
2nd location: 1 L men's shirt
3rd location: 0 black shirts

Then, I asked one of my co-workers...She suggested H&M. I decided to call first. The first location told me they were out. The 2nd location only had v-neck button downs.

I started to worry if I would find a shirt in time for my shift the next night! I called GAP. They have it, but it's $50! Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Final Stop: Kohl's!
Don't worry. I found a million different men's black button downs with stripes, ridges, designs, weird buttons and pockets, all before I found a PLAIN BLACK SHIRT!
They had 1 small....which is 15in, 32/33 aka still huge on me as a 5'3 girl, but I took it anyway. Hey, it says slim fit, right??

Moral of the story: 

I still look like a linebacker, but now I'm wearing black instead of white.

Code 45

You win, sir. 

For the oddest and most annoying response to,
Do you have any questions about the menu I can help you with?

"I'll have the Coupon 45."

Excuse me, what?!?
"You know, that pasta where you buy one and take one home."

Ugh. That beats the server who just tells guests it's on the, "second page, bottom left" before they have a chance to ask.

From here on out, I will refer to tables who are guaranteed to order the two for one pasta deal as:

CODE 45
We got a code 45 over on table 15...Yeah, that sounds perfect.

"You could buy yourself a new car!"

14 insurance salesman from Kansas City.
2 female servers.
It's on.

I see nothing wrong with using feminine powers to get a better tip.
"Hello gentlemen! My name is Lindsay, and this is Minnesota....and we'll take great care of you tonight! Now, what are we drinkin'?"

Serious amounts of flirtatious laughter and batting eyelashes later, we'd gotten their bill up to about $550 when one of the salesman informs me they need individual checks.
FML.
Since we were kinda slow that night, my manager ok'd it, especially since I worked it out that I couldn't split their alcohol by who drank what...we'd just split the total by 14 and add gratuity.

14 credit cards later, they were all paid out (and no one else could find a check presenter) and we were thanking them for coming in!

"You could buy yourself a new car with that tip!" 
Sorry Mr. Insurance Man, but $91 doesn't go that far when you split it amongst SIX people.
Thanks for making my week night a bit more interesting, though!

He likes me! He really likes me!

There's one manager everyone seems to love....but he seems to hate ME!
I know you're shocked. How could anyone hate her?? ;)

Well, I don't know what I did to make this happen, but one manager is always on my back. He checks my tables constantly, he gives me the "are you okay??" on most shifts, and just won't joke around with me like he does with the other servers. I don't get it!
One time, I waited for him while he did a cocktail server's checkout and when he finished I politely asked if he could discount my employee meal for me when he had a chance.

Blank stare.

"I'm going to go lock the door because we're closed. Don't you think THAT is more important, Lindsay?"

Oh. yeah. Of course. Whenever you have time.
Gulp.

To make matters worse, I had a night where he as following me around like I suck, and then I made a mistake. Shit. I blame him. I forgot to bring a cup of soup and the entrées came out. The dad who ordered it told me he completely forgot about it, so he didn't need it. I need to void it. Of course, this manager is the only one in sight. So I made another mistake. I told him a little white lie that the guest didn't like it. It's just a $2.50 cup of soup. It'll be fine. Well... he caught my white lie. I saw him approach the table and my heart dropped. He's asking the guest. Shit shit shit. I thought I'd get fired for sure when he came over to ask me about it. Said he looked stupid for asking the guest what he didn't like about the soup only to find out he never got it. He's right. I was mortified. Now, he hates me....and thinks I'm a liar.

Weeks later, I've finally broken though his shell. After discovering that I will laugh at just about ANYTHING, he's on Team Lindsay. He points at me at any awkward moment during the shift, and boom...laughter.
Last night was big:
"You're fun. I like you."

YUP. You heard that right! After that, we threw a paper airplane around the back room when it was slowing down. I'm so in. If I knew I could make inappropriate jokes around him and laugh at nothing to win him over, I'd have done that right away. That's the last time I'm quiet and shy at this place.

It's the little things.

The morning after our holiday party, everyone was pretty out of it hungover.

Luckily, Laila was the opening manager (hooray!) which meant a morning without a shift meeting, eating LOTS of food, and making cotton candy with the party rental from the night before.
While everyone appreciated the chill morning, Homer was still in his usual form...
Non
Stop
Talking!
You can't dare ask a question around him, because he'll go on for hours! And lately, I've been having to close with JUST him at lunch...which means he's my PARTNER. I usually just ignore him and help his tables, because he even talks them to death while others sit waiting.

One of my friends at work (who won Class Clown at "prom" btw) and I love to joke about how we might mess with Homer. Remember when I hid the holiday cards?? That was fun.

This time, I took advantage of Homer's organization methods. Towards the end of a shift, he lays all of his closed checks out on a table in the back room...spread out in order like Solitare. It's actually quite irresponsible because you could easily lose them that way.

So what did I do?

I mixed them up a bit. #43 next to #39, swapped #81 for #125, etc etc etc....
We had a little giggle. It's harmless fun, right??

The show really came later when Homer discovered it, and had the verbal reaction I'd hoped for.

Ahhh, the little things in life.

(Don't feel bad for him. Earlier that day he assumed I had Native American blood because I wore my hair in a braid.)

Corporate Cake

Oh, corporate restaurants.

If you're home this evening thinking, "Hmmm I'd LOVE some cake, but I'd prefer to not pay for it..." here's how to make that happen:

• Go to a corporate restaurant. Oh I don't know, maybe Bloggiano's?? 
• Bring your own teabag and ask for hot water. (It's free.)
• Order the chocolate cake.
• Eat half of the cake.
• Tell your server you don't like your cake, even though you've eaten half. 
• Get a manager involved.

Ta-da!

Free Corporate Cake!
I hope you all sense my sarcasm.

My BFF: The Clorox Bleach Pen

I can't seem to make it through even the slowest of shifts without spilling on myself. Why, oh why do we wear white oxford shirts?? And of course, it is a big no-no to roll up your sleeves a bit. 

So, I've entered into a loving relationship with the Clorox Bleach Pen.

It may sound like a simple pleasure, but I am so thankful for this invention. After a shift, I go home and spot treat the balsamic oil that dripped up my sleeve, the marinara sauce that's somehow ended up on my back, and the oil stains that have accumulated on my stomach. 

It's become my favorite tool of the trade!

But, seriously...how did I get wine here?!?

(Shout out to my nephew, who is the adorable face pictured above, covered in ravioli and marinara sauce! )

Mmmm, Baby Cow

Some of you may be against this, but dammit I do love veal.

Right now we have a braised veal as one of our specials, and every time I'm at a table, I suggest it.
I really try to be as detailed as possible to show my guests I've actually tasted it, but I'm 99% sure

NONE

of my guests believe I eat it.

I may be a 5'3 little girl, but believe me, I love me some baby cow.

...And I'm not afraid to admit it!

Moo.
(For you, Kyle)

Skinny Bitches

Here's a tip: If you're on a diet, DON'T eat at Bloggiano's.

I had a table of 8 women, counting their Weight Watcher's points. "Skinny Sangrias" all around!

Now, that would be okay with me because they're $8.25 a piece, (lesser calories thanks to Splenda in the syrup)  but it all started to go downhill after that...

Let's count the Voids I had to make my manager deal with:

1) One Skinny Sangria sent back because she didn't like it.

2) I brought stuffed mushrooms as an entrée for one of the women who had to be in and out quickly. She sent them back because we "must have changed the recipe." I explained that all we only added the spinach that used to be sprinkled on top into the breadcrumb mixture itself, tinting the stuffing a bit green. She told me I was wrong. You're right, lady. I'm lying...because I care that much.

3) Once another girl realized someone sent back the sangria, she sent hers back also...after having drank half of it.

4) A salad sent back because the chicken "tasted funny."

5) And finally, the only void that was actually my fault: I had to take off a Stella draft because I didn't know we were 86'd.

I just don't understand why you'd plan your birthday dinner at a Family Style Italian restaurant if you're watching your figure. There are plenty of restaurants with special diet menu items and calories listed everywhere. Why torture yourself?!? I suggested the flatbreads to two ladies because they actually have the least amount of calories compared to our other dishes, but instead they got shrimp scampi....no butter....easy, easy oil, no salt.  Yummy. 

I'd rather have a lean cuisine.

Homer's Holiday Cards

I hid them.

Well serves him right! He walked up to me and asked, "Did I give you a holiday card yet?" 

No, but if you don't remember if you gave it to me...does it really mean anything?

"Do you want a kitty or the other thing?"

Umm...kitty?

And then he proceeded to sign it and put my name on the envelope...in front of me.

A couple days later, I saw the pack of cards laying out and decided to have a little a LOT of fun. I hid them in on a shelf in the back room. Homer ran around the restaurant for 30 minutes asking everyone if they'd seen his holiday cards. I was feeling very sneaky and laughing to myself, until I realized I ended up punishing the rest of the staff since we had to listen to him talk about it for 30 minutes.

After that thought, I made them reappear without him ever knowing it was me. 

Happy Holidays, Homer!

I don't care if you're Italian. Part Due

Remember this post?

Well, this picture explains my point perfectly. One of my guests asked for a pen to sign-up for our email listserv...

Very clever, Mr. Corleone.

I've always been more of a "Goodfellas" fan...

20% in 2011

I'm on a mission... to educate diners about proper tip etiquette.

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to not assume the worst of people, mainly my guests at Bloggiano's.
I WANT to believe the verbal tippers and people I've served well WANT to leave me a good tip. Maybe they really just don't know how...

So here we go, kiddies! Today's math lesson is inspired by a little song and dance I did for my friend, Alex and his family, when they came in to eat the other night. (As I told you before, Alex, if you don't request me next time...we will no longer be friends. And you're welcome, for mentioning you in the blog!) 

Tip your server 20%, which I strongly believe you should do unless something THEY did made the experience bad. I'm not talking about you not liking your food, or the kitchen being super busy, or the wait being long....I'm saying the server ignores your requests or is just a jackass.

Here's the easiest way to figure it out:

1) Look at the total
2) Move the decimal point over ONCE to the left
3) Multiply times 2

Ta-da!! 20%!!! You did it!!!

Example: Bill total is $43.95. Now we move the decimal over and it's $4.39. Multiply times two and you get about $8.78. TWENTY PERCENT!! :)

Another basic idea: For every $5 your meal costs, tip $1. So if you meal is $35, your tip should be $7. If your meal is $70, your tip should be $14. Learn your times table for the number FIVE, and you're golden!

...to all of my loyal readers! Be safe tonight! And don't worry, I'm serving it up at Bloggiano's NYE and New Year's Day! I'll be back in the new year with some great stories and rants for you!

That's just creepy.

I heard a rumor (Oh, how I LOVE work rumors) that one of the girls from my training class had a crush on one of the dinner servers. Apparently he told her she looks like Lucy Liu, and now she's smitten. I ALSO heard he'd flirt with a cardboard box.

I had a weird encounter with him during my dinner training. He came up to me to introduce himself and said, "You're the girl who sent a message out about Hanukkah."

Oh, yeah. I needed the day off to celebrate with my family.

End of conversation. 

I brushed it off until my most recent interaction with him on another dinner shift. I was eating on my break and after 10 minutes of not speaking to me (but sitting next to me) he asked,
"So do you speak Hebrew?"

Shortly after, he told me he loved me...in Hebrew.

Next awkward moment happened while sitting across the table from him on a different shift break. After another 10 minutes of not speaking he asked,
"Do you want to have kids?"

That's just creepy. This guy needs to learn to lead into his conversations. But now I definitely get what everyone was talking about. He must like to have a LOT of  "Work Flirts."

I don't care if you're Italian.

I've always worked for Italian restaurants. And I'm always baffled by the "real" Italians who come in to eat.

You know you're at a chain restaurant where Mexicans are cooking your Italian food, right???

This time it was Franco and his family. He insisted on saying "gratzi" to everything I supplied him with, and therefore insisted I respond with "prego."

"You know, Prego, like the Paul Newman sauce...it means you're welcome in Italian."

Oh. Cool. I don't care.

He also inspected his wine glass with the most detail I've ever witnessed. Thankfully, I'd made sure it was spotless before bringing it to the table. Throughout the meal, Franco remarked at my wonderful service. When the manager came by to see how everything was, they raved about me. Thanks Franco!

I guess he was still feeling European when he tipped me $10 on $78. 

Bloggianos is definitely authentic Italian food. Nope.

Oh Jesus...

This happens sometimes.

"The Pamphlet People"

Maybe they think because I work in a restaurant, I need to find 'The Lord' so I can be saved...

If you're gonna ask me to "Be Thankful" and abandon my Judaism, you could at least leave me more than a $3 tip. That might make the Bible more appealing.

...I'm just sayin ;)

Homer Phones Home

Remember Homer from my training days?

I've since figured out that he
Never
Stops
Talking.

All of the servers have pretty much resorted to ignoring him when he speaks (most of the time he's talking to himself anyway) and everyone knows you never ask him a question....unless you want to spend the next 10 minutes listening to him talk about it. This time, it was a lecture about extra-terrestrials and how the world would be better without humans. And, I swear the other day I caught him talking to our computers, telling them the order he'd like to put in. It's not voice-activated, Homer!

While folding napkins before my break, he got to talking about being holistic for the last 25 years. The man carries around a huge container or Purell and apparently never takes medicine. He told me he never gets sick because he mentally accepts the illness, and then sends it out to the world.

Please don't send your crazy my way! Thanks!


OH! I almost forgot that when another girl made a joke he liked, he commented, "Girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my 'to do' list." Ewwwwwwww

Noooo I left my cake behind!

My first table was a six-top. It's Lisa's birthday. Her mom is clearly in charge of the celebration.

Right away I knew they were big spenders, since Lisa's mom took it upon herself to tell the whole table about the Today & Tomorrow pasta deal: Buy one of our classic pastas today, and you get to take home another of your choice for free. Did I mention the deal is only $12.95? Argh. 

Six Today & Tomorrow's later with a lot of patience and smiling on my part, Lisa's mom and her guests were LOVING me. I even took special care to separate everyone's boxes by couple without them asking and took extra care of her elderly parents. At the end I was told they had a cake in the back. Oh, what? You mean the big spenders aren't going to BUY dessert?? What a surprise. 

Anyway, I brought it out, and they were thrilled. Lisa's mom even told me she'd save a slice of the chocolate cake for me if I wanted it! Finally someone gets it, @FuckMyTable! (You guys should really check out her blog. It's hilarious.)

As Lisa's mom left, I accidentally walked past as she told the hostess to tell the manager that "Lindsay is a wonderful server and we loved her." Score. I even saw the hostess go over to tell the manager later...

Only two problems with this story:

1) I just realized I left my cake in the mini fridge in the server alley. No way will it still be there tomorrow. Servers are like vultures when it comes to unattended cake.
2) The manager never came to tell me they said that about me. Way to support your staff's awesomeness, Bloggiano's.